Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
You Might Also Like
Facebook marketplace is a different world
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Me too
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
lol
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.