They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
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I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.