RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
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Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.