Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
You Might Also Like
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.