KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
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Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
two people or more is called a problem
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.