My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
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[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
This a good idea
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
A roof is a house hat.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here