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Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
OH. COME. ON.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.