Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room馃槒
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INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I鈥檓 very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you鈥檒l need to buy more tape tomorrow
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
If you can鈥檛 be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you鈥檙e with.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
bury ourselves
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don鈥檛 allow fire arms in the building.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i鈥檓 consistent
boss: but you鈥檙e late every morning
me: ya
Festive toon…
This all started with Meghan鈥檚 friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[jungle]
Detective: I鈥檇 like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Me: You should鈥檝e seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that鈥檚 a bird.
Me: I didn鈥檛 say he was interested
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 馃槣
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.