In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
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me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Art by Pastelkatto
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
🙄😏😂🤣
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep