My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
You Might Also Like
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Life cycle of cat
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…