Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
You Might Also Like
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
A drum solo but on your face.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.