I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
courtroom exchange of the day
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Me when someone tries to get to know me
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Me trying to reach for my goals
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?