[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
You Might Also Like
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
a badder mouse