Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
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“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”