I’m a self-made hundredaire
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everyone has that one prude friend
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!