people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
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masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”