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What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
next level snooze