My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
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If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Yeah. This was me today.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
That 👊
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.