your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
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Important reminders
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you