[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
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me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Barbie gone wild
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.