When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.