broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
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BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.