Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
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*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk