Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
You Might Also Like
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.