The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
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Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
RT if you could go either way.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.