Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
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Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
what could possibly go wrong?
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?