[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
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What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.