My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
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Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.