police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
it must be school picture day
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate