I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
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A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀