I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
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My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Many hands make light work
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids