I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
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bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.