5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
men are simple creatures
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions