PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
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… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet