I’m giving up for Lent.
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I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]