i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
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Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My what?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.