Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
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I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
concern
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi