my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I don’t know what to do
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone