Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
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[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO