piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
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I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same