Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
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bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the d茅cor.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it鈥檚 dating the director
You know…for fall…
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…馃槀馃槒馃惗
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they鈥檙e perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.