Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
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People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.