We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
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Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.