SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
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ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I need to update my racial profile.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.