It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
You Might Also Like
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal