My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
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Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.