You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
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Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Welcome to the stomach
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays