When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
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waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Duck typos.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.