Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
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[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull