INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
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Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started